Does being tyrannical really topple a tyrant?
(This is co-published with Zócalo Public Square)
CONNECTING CALIFORNIA PRESS OFFICE ON X
HELLO. IT’S YOUR FAVORITE COLUMNIST, JOE MATHEWS. EVEN MORE POPULAR THAN KPOP DEMON HUNTERS, SOME SAY.
YOU KEEP SAYING THAT “FIGHTING FIRE” IS YOUR ESSENTIAL STRATEGY. THE WAY TO FINALLY STOP DONALD “LITTLE HANDS” TRUMP.
BUT YOU CLEARLY DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT.
GAV, YOU THINK “FIRE WITH FIRE” MEANS WISE-ASS IMITATION. LIKE MIMICKING THE ASININE ALL-CAPS SOCIAL MEDIA RANTS OF AMERICA’S AUTHORITARIAN AUTOCRAT.
C’MON, DUDE. EVEN A LOW-LIFE JOURNALIST CAN PULL OFF CHEAP PARODY LIKE THAT.
YOU, MANDARIN OF MARIN, COULDN’T START A REAL FIRE IF WE GAVE YOU DRY LOGS AND A BOOK OF MATCHES DURING A SUNDOWNER WINDSTORM. AND YOU WON’T THROW DOWN IN REAL LIFE BECAUSE IT MIGHT MESS UP YOUR HAIR.
THE IDEA THAT YOU ARE MATCHING THE DON BLOW FOR BLOW IS THE WORLD’S WORST JOKE!!!!!!
TRUMP THE TERRIBLE IS VIOLATING LAW AND CONSTITUTION, WAGING A LEGAL, FINANCIAL, AND POLITICAL WAR AGAINST EVERY ELEMENT OF DEMOCRATIC SOCIETY. PRESS, SCHOOLS, NGOS, ELECTION WORKERS, STATES. HE’S GOT THE FBI RAIDING POLITICAL ENEMIES. HE ESTABLISHED HIS OWN SECRET POLICE FORCE. HE’S THREATENING TO PUT POLS, INCLUDING YOU, IN PRISON.
AND YOU, GAVIN C (C IS NOT FOR COURAGE) NEWSOM, RESPOND TO THE URGENT NEED TO STOP TRUMP RIGHT DAMN NOW BY ASKING CALIFORNIANS TO GERRYMANDER THE STATE IN THE FUTURE.
“THIS IS AN EMERGENCY,” YOU SAY. BUT YOUR SPECIAL ELECTION TO ESTABLISH YOUR “BEAUTIFUL” DEMOCRAT-BIASED MAPS WON’T HAPPEN FOR THREE MONTHS! AND THE DISTRICTS WON’T BE USED UNTIL ANOTHER ELECTION 15 MONTHS FROM NOW, IN NOVEMBER 2026!
ALL THIS FOR TWO ELECTIONS, IN THE VAGUE HOPE THAT YOU MIGHT “END THE TRUMP PRESIDENCY” BY VOTING IN A NARROW MAJORITY OF DEMOCRATS TO TAKE OVER THE HOUSE IN JANUARY 2027.
HOW IS THAT SUPPOSED TO WORK? D.C. DEMOCRATS ARE EVEN LESS COURAGEOUS THAN YOU, AND TRUMP ISN’T GOING TO STOP BEING A DICTATOR BECAUSE OF ONE HOUSE OF CONGRESS, ESPECIALLY WITH THE SUPREME COURT BACKING HIM UP.
GREAT PLAN, GCN! TRUMP DESTROYS DEMOCRACY NOW, WHILE YOU THINK BIG THOUGHTS TIL JANUARY 2027.
HERE’S WHAT ACTUAL FIGHTING FIRE WITH FIRE WOULD LOOK LIKE:
• COERCE THE STATE BAR CANCEL THE CALIFORNIA LAW LICENSE OF EVERY SINGLE ATTORNEY AT ONCE-PROUD (NOW TRUMP-LACKEY) L.A. LAW FIRM OF LATHAM & WATKINS. SAME IN THE CALIFORNIA OFFICES OF ALL THE OTHER FIRMS THAT MADE DEALS WITH TRUMP. RETURN THEIR LICENSES ONLY WHEN FIRMS CONTRIBUTE BILLIONS TO COVER TRUMP’S CALIFORNIA MEDICAID CUTS.
• CREATE YOUR OWN SECRET POLICE TO ARREST ABUSIVE FEDERAL HOMELAND SECURITY OFFICERS. AFTER THE ARRESTS, WAIT SEVERAL DAYS [EB1] UNTIL YOU LET THE FEDS CALL LAWYERS. ONCE THEY’RE CONVICTED, DEPORT THEM TO NORTH KOREA.
• SHUT DOWN THE CAMPUSES OF MAGA-SYMPATHIZING OR EVEN SOMEWHAT REPUBLICAN UNIVERSITIES—PEPPERDINE, CLAREMONT MCKENNA, POINT LOMA NAZARENE, THOMAS AQUINAS COLLEGE—AND ONLY LET THEM REOPEN ONCE THEY’VE PAID THE STATE $500 MILLION EACH.
• PUT A $50 BILLION “NEO-NAZI COLLABORATOR TAX” ON META, INTEL, NVIDIA, AND OTHER TECH COMPANIES THAT ASSIST TRUMP.
• BAN TRUMP VOTERS FROM MEN’S SPORTS. PLAYING OR ATTENDING.
• SEIZE FULL OWNERSHIP OF THE TRUMP NATIONAL GOLF CLUB PROPERTY IN PALOS VERDES. ESTABLISH A DETENTION CENTER THERE FOR ANTI-VAX ACTIVISTS, TECH BROS, AND ICE AGENTS. CALL IT TRUMP’S DUMP. IGNORE JUDICIAL RULINGS THAT MIGHT STOP YOU.
• SEND THE CALIFORNIA NATIONAL GUARD TO OCCUPY HUNTINGTON BEACH, CALIFORNIA’S LEADING MAGA LOCALITY. IF THE CITY COUNCIL RESISTS, DETAIN THEM AT THE TRUMP DUMP.
VIOLATE HUMAN RIGHTS! EXTORT BILLIONS! PUNISH REAL AND PERCEIVED ENEMIES! EVISCERATE DEMOCRATIC PRINCIPLES TO SAVE DEMOCRACY!
ALL THIS MUST BE NEXT, IF YOU MEAN WHAT YOU SAY ABOUT FIGHTING FIRE WITH FIRE.
HERE I MUST CONFESS THAT I HAVE SOME DOUBTS ABOUT “FIGHTING FIRE WITH FIRE.” SO I’M SURE YOU AND YOUR OVERCAFFEINATED COMMS TEAM WILL SOON ACCUSE ME OF “PEARL-CLUTCHING” OR “UNILATERAL DISARMAMENT.”
YOU’LL MAKE SUCH AN ACCUSATION BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT A LITERARY GIANT LIKE THIS COLUMNIST. SO YOU PROBABLY NEVER READ SHAKESPEARE’S “KING JOHN.”
THIS PLAY IS WHERE “FIRE WITH FIRE” ORIGINATED. FRANCE DEMANDS JOHN SURRENDER THE ENGLISH THRONE, AND JOHN’S ALLY, THE BASTARD SON OF RICHARD I, TELLS THE KING TO ANSWER THE OUTRAGEOUS FRENCH DEMAND WITH HIS OWN:
Be stirring as the time; be fire with fire;
Threaten the threat'ner, and outface the brow
Of bragging horror
JOHN FIGHTS FIRE WITH FIRE. HE STARTS A WAR WITH FRANCE, DESPITE ALL THE DAMAGE IT WILL DO. HE SAYS HE’S DEFENDING THE CROWN, LIKE YOU SAY YOU’RE DEFENDING DEMOCRACY.
BUT THE CONFLICT BURNS OUT OF CONTROL, DRAWING IN MUCH OF EUROPE, THEN THE POPE. EVENTUALLY, THE WAR IS LOST AND KING JOHN IS POISONED TO DEATH.
“FIRE WITH FIRE” MAY SEEM LIKE A TOUGH STRARTEGY. BUT FROM ITS SHAKESPEAREAN BEGINNING, IT’S BEEN A WARNING. THE BARD CONCLUDED HIS PLAY POINTEDLY:
This England never did and never shall,
Lie at the proud foot of a conqueror,
But when it first did help to wound itself.
GAV, HOPE YOU’RE NOT TOO BURNED OUT TO CATCH THE LESSON FROM THE ENGLISH-SPEAKING WORLD’S GREATEST WRITER (UNTIL THIS COLUMNIST’S BIRTH!!!). DITCH “FIRE WITH FIRE,” AS SLOGAN. AND FIND A DIFFERENT STRATEGY FOR FIGHTING TRUMP, SOMETHING THAT WON’T DESTROY YOU OR OUR STATE.
